My Immortal
by Kentra02
Summary: Wufei is the only constant, the immortal in Duo's life, whether he is really there or not.


Title: My Immortal  
  
Author: Kentra Shinataku  
  
Anime: Gundam Wing  
  
Pairings: 2x5  
  
Warnings: Songfic, angst, death, Duo POV, minor sappiness  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Category: Angst, Songfic  
  
Spoilers: Yeah, there's a few.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. Really, I don't. Stop looking at my like that, I said I don't own it! ::breaks down and cries uncontrollably:: *Ahem* Yeah, don't own.  
  
Written for and dedicated to Chihaya (of www.gwdensetsu.net http://www.gwdensetsu.net/) for her birthday, July 15, 2003.  
  
Began 6/26/03 2:42 a.m.  
  
**********  
  
My Immortal  
  
~You used to captivate me   
  
By your resonating light~  
  
You always amazed me; there was no way I couldn't fall in love with you. When I first met you during the war I thought you were beautiful. No chance in Hell I would tell you, though. You were everything I could have imagined, and more. I was afraid to tell you for a long time, I figured you must have been on lay away for some dream guy. Or girl, I guess; Someone like you would probably be straight, anyways.   
  
We were often paired together when it came to rooming. You know what it was like, lying awake in the bunk above you, wondering just how to get your attention? Half the time I just wanted to crawl under the covers and wrap my arms around you, I just wanted to tell you how I felt. I wonder now, what would have happened if I had done just that? Maybe you needed someone to help slay your inner demons, I know I did. I could have held you, could have been your crutch to help you stand. I loved you, after all.  
  
~When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears,  
  
When you screamed, I'd fight away all of your fears~  
  
You finally trusted me, you were much braver than I. Somehow, I don't think you had a choice. When we were stuck in that cell together, with our oxygen running pretty low, you were afraid. Honest to God afraid. You lost the tough guy facade and let me see the real you.   
  
I'll never forget what you did, when you couldn't find a way to stop my nervous rambling, to somehow conserve our air supply just a little longer. You kissed me. That was the only way to shut me up, you said, and you were right. You left me speechless, if only for a moment. But then I demanded to know if you meant it, if you thought it was funny if you didn't, if you knew what I felt for you.  
  
But then I saw it. I saw how shaky you were, how on edge, what the last few words I said had caused. I had never seen you frightened. I told you not to be afraid, death wouldn't be that bad.  
  
At least there would be no more war.  
  
You didn't find that amusing. You didn't want to die without telling me first. You told me you loved me, you had for a long time. Then, I watched as you cried, what I was sure was the first and last time. I put my arms around you and let you break down against me. The whole time, I was trying to hold my breath for you, trying to save you from an airless Hell just a moment longer.  
  
~I've held your hand   
  
through all of these years~  
  
Somehow, we made it through the war. I don't know how. Sometimes I think it was only because we had each other, no matter how corny that sounds. We kept each other company during the loneliest nights and tried to pretend we were as normal as possible. I think we had ourselves convinced that we were, every once in a while, so much that when the war ended we bought a house together. It wasn't big, and it wasn't too fancy, but it was a house. It was all I needed, as long as you were there with me. I'd never had a house before, and my only home was destroyed. You were the only one I could have made that step with, the only one who knew how important that was to me.  
  
We made it through so much together afterwards, things we hadn't given a thought to during our teenage years, things we never could have believed in. I never expected to come through battle alive, you know, I had no idea what to do with myself when 'peace' settled in. You seemed to have a plan at first, the Preventers. That didn't last long, though; you said you wanted a chance at normalcy, to live in the times of the peace we fought for.   
  
You went to college. I hired a private tutor to get me to a high school graduate level, and you never laughed at me because of it. You didn't think I was stupid, you knew I never had the opportunity for a real education. Professor G didn't exactly waste time cramming literature into my head.  
  
You had begun your third year teaching - 2nd graders, no less - while I was running a small day care from our home and still considering college. It wasn't that I was lazy; I just didn't know what to do with myself. I mean, I never planned to live this long, college wasn't something I ever gave much thought to. I knew I needed a job; I wanted to one day replace the kids that I took care of during the day with the child that you and I had considered adopting.  
  
~But now, I'm bound by  
  
the life you left behind~  
  
June eleventh seemed to come so quickly that year, the last day of school for you, which meant I could look forward to spending the summer holiday with you. Of course, you could have gotten a summer job to occupy yourself, but you didn't. You spent time with me instead.  
  
That night I was cooking a sort of victory meal, one that surprisingly, you loved, beef stroganoff. I picked it up when I was young and lived in the Church; I used to like helping in the kitchen, they would always give me a cookie before I left.  
  
I remember the nervous glances I kept stealing at the clock. It had been 45 minutes since you left to pick up the sour cream at the grocery store for me, what could be taking you so long? I barely had my fingers on the phone, about to dial your cell number, when it rang in my hand.  
  
That phone call was one of the worst moments of my life.   
  
I should have expected it, though. Everyone I've ever loved is gone. But it was so stupid! An ex-Gundam pilot, been to Hell and back twice, how could you have gotten so seriously hurt in a fucking car accident?!   
  
I got to the emergency room as fast as I could, knowing that every moment I wasted could be your last. All I wanted was to see you, but when I ran in, I couldn't. A nurse said you were undergoing emergency surgery. I didn't understand how this could happen to you, to _any_ of us five. We were fucking Gundam pilots, removing our own bullets and resetting our own bones. The nurse told me that you had been hit from the side. Glass from your window had been lodged beneath your ribs and into your lungs. But you had always been such a good driver, you were never reckless, this had to be a mistake.  
  
She told me the story, how it was a car full of newly graduated seniors, excited to get away from high school, and very drunk, who had cascaded into you, shattering both your life and mine. But you had to be okay, I yelled, I demanded so.   
  
You always said that anyone in their right mind would fear me when I'm angry.  
  
They finally let me go in, a long time later. They said... that your surgery hadn't gone well. I'll never forget the way you looked, lying there. You were so still, barely breathing and unable to acknowledge my presence.  
  
~These wounds won't seem to heal,  
  
This pain is just too real~  
  
Why didn't you speak to me, why didn't you open your eyes? I had seen you in worse condition climbing out of Nataku's cockpit, only then you had been conscious. You were heavily bandaged, with tubes everywhere, and I could clearly see the series of cuts on your ghostly face. I wondered how many more bandages your hospital gown and blankets were hiding.  
  
I sat next to you, clutching your delicate hand as if it would save you, pull you away from death. But I was death, you know. I cried Wufei, I cried, letting my tears fall onto your skin. Then you did something that I hadn't expected, you opened your eyes, briefly, before they sagged again. For one moment, you saw me. The next, your heart monitor's steady beeping was replaced with a solid stream of sound.  
  
~I've tried to hard to tell myself  
  
that you're gone~  
  
It couldn't be real; you still had to be alive. A car accident couldn't kill _you_, it was just a god damn car! Even at your funeral, when I saw your lifeless body, watched as you were lowered into the ground, I didn't believe it. You were still near, at least in spirit. You had to be, because I couldn't go on without you, and I was still alive.  
  
~And if you had to leave,  
  
I wish that you would just leave,  
  
Because your presence still lingers here,  
  
and it won't leave me alone~  
  
The house was so quiet without you around to answer me. I still talked to you, though I guess people would say I was just talking to myself. You were always listening, though, weren't you? You were still around to hear me, and that infuriated me. You were allowed to watch all the time, you could see me, but I'd never be able to see you again. I wanted you to leave, let me alone to wallow in my loneliness because I couldn't have you. I don't care if that was too selfish. You left me. I wanted you gone, then. But everything in this house carried a reminder of you, I couldn't seem to escape.  
  
~Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
  
Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me~  
  
I had contemplated moving out, finding a small apartment somewhere where you had never set foot. I had already quit the daycare thing and isolated myself from all of my acquaintances. But it would be pointless. You would still follow me in my dreams. As much as I tried to put you out of my mind, I'd always see your face at night. Sometimes, I swear I could hear you whisper 'Wo ai ni' in the dark. Why did you haunt me like that? You were all I wanted, but you were the only thing I couldn't have.   
  
I thought I was insane, too. Hell, I know I am, but I always remembered what Sister Helen told me, that there are angels that we can't see, but we can feel. That was all rubbish, right? It had to be. I don't believe in God, and he doesn't waste his angels on non-believers. Besides, angels were sent to help. You were torturing me.  
  
~There's just too much  
  
that time cannot erase~  
  
I finally realized that you were going to keep haunting me and there was nothing I could do about it. I was so crazy for a while that I kept contemplating ways to kill myself because I thought it would bring me back to you. But every reminder of you made it clearer what I had to do. I had to live for you, to carry on since you couldn't.  
  
I needed to do something with my live. Ever since you... died... I had become nothing. There was plenty of cash in our combined accounts, so I was okay, wasn't running low even though I wasn't working, but I still needed to do something.  
  
I decided to finally go to college. I was 25 years old and I had waited long enough. It took me a little while to decide on what I wanted to do, though. All I knew was that I wanted to do something to help people.  
  
So I decided to help people like you. I went to medical school to become an ER nurse. I wanted to help save as many people as I could, people like you who had no choice, and people like me who were forced to stand by and watch.  
  
The four years of med school went so slow, but I had your memory to drive me harder. You were still haunting me, after all.  
  
We had always wanted a child to raise together. You loved kids, though you wouldn't parade the fact like I did. You had to love kids to teach second graders. During my first year of work at the place I lost you, I applied for adoption. The people were skeptical at first, made me get counseling and everything. Apparently, they don't hand out kids to just everyone, especially not an ex-Gundam pilot.  
  
It took a long time, so many inspections, interviews, sessions. It seems they finally decided I was sane enough, had a good home, and a supportive job, because they finally presented me with my... with _our_ beautiful three month old daughter. You know what, 'Fei? She's half Chinese. She's got the same beautiful silk raven hair as you, her eyes even have that elegant slant that yours did. The crazy thing though, is the color of her eyes. Instead of the customary black or dark brown, they're blue... with a slight hint of violet. I'm sure you already know, though, you haven't taken your loving eyes off of her since she came here four years ago, have you? Meiran Fei Solo Maxwell-Chang couldn't be anymore of a perfect daughter for us.  
  
You know, I'm glad I decided to live for you, Wufei. I see so much of your personality coming through her every day. There's no doubt she's your daughter, heaven-sent, a gift from you, my Immortal.  
  
**********  
  
Complete 7/3/2003 2:52 a.m. 


End file.
